I turn 29 tomorrow.
yeah yeah turkey baby, no birthday parties because my friends would rather hang out in their gene pool for the week and i'm usually hit with the flu/pneumonia/relapse just long enough to miss out on pie and BBQ.
Suffice to say, I don't normally enjoy my birthday. But I do tend to treat it like my own personal New Year's and reevaluate my life. I'm going on 29 but still in college. And why? Flimsy excuse of "changed my major" "tried to find myself" "kept wanting tomove to Greece/Ireland/London/Tokyo" just don't do it anymore. I am disappointed in me. I'm supposed to be hitting this pinnacle of life experience by now. Old enough to start commenting on the folly of those "youngsters" back in their teens who think they have a grip on the world. Instead, all I have in me are questions of my own.
I spent 3 hours yesterday on the DavidsBridal website looking at dresses, playing with the 3D maps and designing wedding party attire. I'm not engaged. Most of my friends are married and popping out their 2nd and 3rd offspring by now. But Google takes me strange places when I let my mind wander.
I looked over my notes for this book. I think I've accomplished so much in the storyline but I can't seem to find that motivation and drive I had at the beginning. I tried taking a break from the work, but that just feels like forced procrastination. But then again, I feel ike I need a vacation.
A real vacation. Not a stay home from work for a week because I'm coughing up my lungs and still have to clean house "vacation". No. I want one like they get on those infomercials. The ones celebrities take their whole entourage on. Like the romantic movies. Some remote beach where my only responsibility is to enjoy each day and re....lax. Not gonna happen. I'm a cube slave. A full time student. And at home I have to play the role of non-wife housewife and addicted MMO gamer.
I step back and read over the life I have constructed for my Miss. JD and I know, it's me. I'm Mary-Sueing my own crap existence away into a novel. Escaping through her to the life I wish I was brave enough to run away to. Dear god, I've become a S.Meyers. It may not involve eternal pledges to sparkly immortals, but it's just as lame and shameful.
I should be reading to escape, not writing it. I apologize to my future readers if any trace of the pathetic rhetoric remains in my finished book. Any reflection of myself upon her will only tarnish her and make the story itself seem trite and ridiculous. I think I'm going to make a conscious effort now to make her contradictory to who I am. It's about time Jayne does something I wholly detest.
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You're not alone. Though you probably know that. I just packed up my xbox and a ton of games I'm trying to get rid of in one shot. I quit WoW months ago but I do squeeze out the occasional session of Diablo III and was oh-so tempted to get into Star Wars: Old Republic. I'm turning 29 this week. I want a home and a car and a family but I kept pleasing the child in me and escaping instead of working on any of the dozen or so half-realized concepts spread over napkins and legal pads and unedited dives into worlds that really deserve better. If writing was this lonely, desperate and romantic thing back in the late 1800s, it's certainly that now without that much romance or chance at eventual notoriety. They say all the stories have been done. They say you can't please everyone. You look at your life each day the same way and you keep hearing that they say what they say.
ReplyDeleteBut you are writing because you can. Because other's can't and don't even have the inclination to think of one word, let alone one thought, that might benefit others and is worthy enough to commit through the arm and the hand the gift of your inspired fingers to a page craving some action or a screen that needs to move with the rhythm of what can only be your soul's agenda. You offer a connection to planes of experience and threads of fate that know one else can know and if you don't do your duty you will never be happy. You think you're troubled now with complacency and a not-so-glamorous life and maybe you hold onto the concept that the work is insurmountable so at least you can always have the dream of fighting your very own dragon. But you're not alone and outside the few of us that long for meaning and finding the right words, or the right colors or the right vibration, to fan the embers of human hearts untold, are simply the dull and useless. People without vision or consideration, people with "machine hearts and machine minds." If you've ever talked to someone with absolutely nothing to talk about you know what I'm saying. And they will have children without consequence and be someone's unjust boss and make simple decisions about stability without thought to a life worth living or a stance worth taking. They will make life easy for themselves and harder for everyone else because they don't care. Perhaps I'm over dramatizing, but what you do and that internal struggle you have, matters. I have to believe it you see. Otherwise where do we belong and what do we do with this intense need to communicate? We resolve a question the universe has. We belong here trying to do what we need to do. The only thing preventing our success is realizing the ease with which it can happen if we release our doubts. When you're stuck look to the beginning and remember the feeling you had when you thought out the beauty of the tale unfolding. In that simple need that amounts to the inspiration accounting for a very small part of the whole process is a nugget of absolute necessity. It's the heart of what motivated you to begin and it's truth will develop and grow as your needs do to continue. Re-evaluate what you were trying to solve within yourself that prompted the tale-spinning and don't mind the parts of you that live within your character, for now that they are living and feeling relevant emotions is probably a good thing. I sympathize with you. And I hope you discover your fury. The world is unjust to stifle the adventure of the mind and heart. You are a champion in the response, without which the grand effort is greatly diminished. Immerse yourself. Somewhere deep within you know what's coming, you know what to write. It's OK to push it and succeed. It's hardly the ending, we must believe it.
Jesus christ you wrote that post in November of 2009?!
ReplyDeleteLOL.. Yeah... I haven't been blogging here lately. XD
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